@sbellelauren: i don't think i can go back to a white president
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@ArfMeasures: ROOMMATE: While I'm away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake? ME: Sure [later] ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
@ilovepie84: After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
@UncleDuke1969: In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.