@sbellelauren: i don't think i can go back to a white president
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@JimmyTheThing: Gay or straight, No state should legally recognize a marriage if they don't serve alcohol at the wedding.
@jakob_huber: "Still upset about earlier?" Yeah "So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal" I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
@stephenjmolloy: [Job interview] "Can you explain this gap in your résumé?" Me: "I fell asleep on the space key."
@tastefactory: I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I'm like "OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE"