Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
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I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?