@sbellelauren: i don't think i can go back to a white president
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@MelvinofYork: I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
@T_Bonezzz_: My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall. Worked great! Also, If you've found my nephew Jake, lemme know
@PaperWash: The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah's wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
@jabba_jabba_jaw: Me: But God, where did the second set of footprints go? God: That's when you were dating that psycho. I wasn't sticking around for that.