I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
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Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.