warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
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2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
When you kidnap a writer.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out