@onelongbender: I don't think I get enough credit in my family for making my siblings look successful.
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@cool_as_heck: OBAMA: your resume says you think of the "best nicknames?" ME: that's right, Obama-nable snowman *finger guns* OBAMA: [softly] holy shit
@TheBoydP: Guys! I just heard when women ask "Does this make me look fat?" they know we'll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
@TheHeartlessBoy: Congrats to Lindsay Lohan for successfully portraying what happens to mean girls after high school.
@welone1: During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me? Just the other night she called me from some hotel.