A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
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Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal