@jimmytorosian: Me: I just souped up my car Person: What kind of engine did you put in it? *cut to me filling my car with tomato soup* Me: Um... A fast one.

@SomthinBoutSara: Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says "I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there"

@jake_lach: Real men don't run from problems, they fix them. Unless it's really scary

@lloydrang: I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree. I think I found my spirit animal.

@knot_eye: "Once we come down off this wall we'll be on the lam. That means we're fugitives, laying low, on the run..." - condescending con descending