@usermcuserface: I don't think I'd be as calm as Billy Joel was in that song if an old man was sitting next to me making love to his tonic and gin.
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@VodkaThursday: U just HAD to be polite & hold the elevator for me. I could have had a nice, quiet ride alone. Instead, I had to be polite & talk about fall
@NamestartswithZ: My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book 'The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron' is a hit with both critics and readers.
@RegularFred: Woman: [blushing] I was told there wasn't a single werewolf left in the world. Werewolf: there isn't. I'm married.
@FantastiKelly: My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
@BoogTweets: Me: I have bad news about Bob. Friend: Bob from work or Bob that always fakes his own death? Me: *Drops shovel* Ut oh…
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