Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
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i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Current mood: Potato
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.