Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
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I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Whoa… oh I see lol
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o