@Annoyedworld: I don't think I'm a father but I better celebrate just incase I am...
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@crunchenhancer: My wife asked me: "What's the most risky, dangerous food you've ever eaten." Me: "wedding cake".
@AimeeHelene1: At my funeral, I want them to play "Thriller" and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing. (wins at death)
@KimmyMonte: Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don't need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU'RE NOT AN OSTRICH
@houffy: Wife: Talk sexy to me Husband: Commencing garment extraction W: Huh? H: Initiating trouser disengagement W: ... H: Removing unmentionables