The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
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My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
We need more people like this.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.