@Brentweets: I don't think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
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@oxygenplug: *you see a bear approaching* "quick play dead!" *bear runs up to you* "OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU"
@HouseWithDoors: *playing poker* *my opponent smirks* "All in." he says. *pair of aces* *I smile* *throws down a pair of Olsen twins* "Full House."
@OwensDamien: In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
@mrtruthandsoul: 5yo: Why is he crying? Me: That's a teardrop tattoo. 5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison? M: What? 5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.