@Brentweets: I don't think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
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@marinhubka: "I'm not sure-" wife: honey he's a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them! *the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
@dafloydsta: WIFE: The police are at the front door ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
@WeissBrandon: YOU ARE GROUNDED!!!! ~ me, yelling hilarious shit at the beef in this grocery store.