Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
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When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
#catsoftwitter
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.