Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
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Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?