I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
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I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.