I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
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Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
awesome draft from months ago i just found