@weinerdog4life: I don't think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
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@SammySkinns: Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I'll paint your ceiling. *To himself* Errybody gon be naked tho.
@panmidwest: Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
@ArfMeasures: INTERVIEWER: So...that's it. Any questions for me? ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch? I: um no that's not ME: I bet they use a puppercut