I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
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This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.