[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
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I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Me sliding into hell like
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.