It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
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Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
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I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now