I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
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Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.