I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
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[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.