I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
You Might Also Like
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.