@LostAtCollege: Emailing professors be like Me: *polite greeting, multiple paragraphs, perfect grammar* Professor: “sure” -sent from my iPhone

@TheMichaelRock: I always bring in a dozen donuts to work the first day after the New Year, just for my coworkers on a diet.

@AmishPornStar1: Me: Ooh, I'd love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment. Her: On a Saturday night? Me: I've got really bad teeth.

@Jenny4ashley: Boss: Are you high? Me: If I was high could I do this? *teleports two inches to the right*

@BarryVonAwesome: The Hurricane came through here like a tornado -Lady on the News just now I don't want to live on this planet anymore