[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
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Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.