Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
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JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
I created you as mosquito food.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Always leave them wanting their money back.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.