therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
You Might Also Like
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.