I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
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Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.