[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
You Might Also Like
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* theyâve fallen into our trap
I donât think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s⌠It became its own governing body at one point
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now Iâm standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
When Iâd go to church as a kid Iâd always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
đ¤Łđ¤Łđ¤Łđ Easy assemble?
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
angel: why did you change the name to âskunkâ?
God: I thought âstinky catâ gave away the surprise
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly youâre invited to every party in townâŚI know what Iâm doing.
podcasts
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
âWhaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.â
âOk. Itâs a date.â
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
This couldâve been an email.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Iâm in a doctors waiting room. Whatâs a polite way to say âI hate your babyâ?