[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
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Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
🙂🐾
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.