the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
You Might Also Like
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Time heals everything 🙂
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.