I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
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NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Well, that should do it
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?