I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
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You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*