I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
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What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
so weird how every mom was born today
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji