[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
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Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Does beer think about me too?
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing