Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
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Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?