I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
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Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
asking santa clause for nudes
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
My sex drive has a dui
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.