I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
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[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
lol
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air