Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
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Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
This headline is a thing of beauty
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years