@jumpdashark: "I don't think you're ready for this jelly." ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
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@max_pad21: My wife just gave me that come hither look and when I come hithered she pointed to the trash
@Nikkeya08: Police officer: When's your birthday? Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy... ten dash four PO: What year? Me: Ugh duh every year
@LuckoftheDraw86: In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.