@jumpdashark: "I don't think you're ready for this jelly." ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
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@bourgeoisalien: probably the most valid reason to have a kid is if you ever wanted to watch another person take 2 hours to eat 5 apple slices
@BuckyIsotope: Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
@ibid78: [A-ha rehearsal] "Here's the lyric: Take On Me." "What about Take Me On?" [4 hrs of arguing later] "Ok we'll say both. Now let's get perms."
@WheelTod: [Date] Him: I don't trust myself around you Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom