I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
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The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Wait for it
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?