I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
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Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Hey i am sexy to you now
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
birds and squirrels envy us
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs