I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
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This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die