@TheToddWilliams: [high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can't wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that's a little rude
@stargazer15_: I'm the kind of girl that will suck helium from a balloon and talk dirty to you in a Minnie Mouse voice.
Really dirty.
@wittwitbarista: Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you "Well, did you look?"Or "did you look-look?"
@Dutch_50: Headline: "Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey"
My 1st thought was, "Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo." I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
@XplodingUnicorn: 6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can't get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
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