I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
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“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.