I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
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Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)