@TheAlexNevil: I don't trust a restaurant that advertises "Now with more bacon!" because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
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@SortaBad: College: Now that you're making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year Me: lol College: lol ikr?
@JBWogan: Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: "Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions."
@remington3000: I love Halloween because I can buy 9 bags of Snickers and everyone thinks I'm going to pass them out to kids.
@john_vavra: GF: ...I'm pregnant ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I've also got some pretty big news