@Underchilde: I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t count their donuts before leaving a drive-thru.
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@stephenjmolloy: Genie: "You have three wishes." Me: "I wish for a burrito with guacamole." Genie: "Okay but the guac counts as your second wish."
@murrman5: I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I'm dropping her off at her parents
@KKAlThani: I have two feelings in Ramadan, it's either "I'm hungry" or "I shouldn't have eaten this much"
@Mr_Kapowski: Woman: $150 for mice removal?! Me: Yep *dumps box of snakes* Woman: Get them out! Me: $300 snake removal fee *dumps box of mongooses*