Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
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If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.