If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
You Might Also Like
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.