πππ₯°ππ
You Might Also Like
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Not helping
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: Youβre welcome.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
please sir. my hands. theyβre very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: thatβs enough for you. NEXT
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
interviewer: what do you mean you donβt have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
βOkay Nancy, try it now.β
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
[18 years after texting a guy βIβm pregnantβ]
Him: hey I just saw your text
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you βwhere do you see yourself in five years?β, βIβm hoping to have found Bigfoot by thenβ isnβt the answer theyβre looking for.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Canβt wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.