Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
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Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
#NeverForget
no refunds
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one