If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
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beware of dog
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!