My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
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Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?