I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
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Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
secret recipe
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.